Bathroom Cleaning 101

Good Afternoon, Ladies and Gentleman. My name is Mrs. Mum and I'll be your teacher today.

Just in case you forgot what you signed up for, this class will cover how to clean and disinfect your bathroom. The material I'm about to teach you comes from years of overcoming obstacles, persistance and hard work. I STRONGLY suggest you take notes.

When you first decide to either move in with a person (room mates, significant other) or get married, you must understand that they do not have the same outlook you do on how to keep a bathroom tidy. If you are anything like me, once you grasp that concept, you will have less anger and frustration. So, stop threatening them within an inch of their lives, and just chill out. Also remember, when you decide to add children to the mix, they are NOT born with your OCD tendencies. Do NOT expect them to understand your extremely uptight ways. If you must, place a pillow in a plastic bag (under the sink, of course) to muffle your screams after they're done using said bathroom. All you will do is scare the poor child and cause the need for years of therapy to come on faster than normal.

The pointers I'm going to give you will help with maintaining your OCD lifestyle. Without further adieu, I give you "Bathroom Cleaning 101", and yes, I am OCD/Germaphobe certified.

First and foremost, personal protection/safety is an absolute must. If you do NOT already own a Hazmat suit, I STRONGLY suggest you purchase one of these:

I'm sure you're thinking, "Aren't Hazmat Suits usually yellow?" The answer to that is, yes. HOWEVER, if you want full protection against toilet back splash, the difference between the yellow and the blue suits are quite substantial. The yellow hazmat suit won't protect you from the heavy chemical warfare you will have to wage on your bathroom. The blue one, however, will protect you from moderate liquid splash, acid handling, tank cleaning, agrochemicals and oil refining (those last two are perks in case you have an aversion to yard work or changing the oil in your car).

Next, grab these two chemicals...one for the toilet and one for the rest of the bathroom (faucet handles, sinks, drain stopper, counters, mirrors, light switches, doorknobs and anything else that can collect the microscopic spray given off by a toilet when you flush it). I do prefer Lysol products...but if you can obtain industrial strength, then by all means, go for it.

Thoroughly cover your bathroom counter, faucet handles, and sink bowl with the first product until all you see is a sea of white foam. Let it sit while you move on to the next phase...the toilet.

Grab the second product and COAT the toilet bowl with the cleaner...no white porcelain should be showing. If you miss a spot, you may as well clean that toilet bowl again. Make SURE you get the extra thick formula...the more it clings to the toilet bowl, the cleaner it becomes.

Now...locate the toilet scrubber:

or jack hammer (depending on the condition of your toilet bowl):

Grasp either device and scrub/jackhammer your heart out! If there is porcelain left after the scrubbing session, you aren't scrubbing hard enough. Flush at least 10 times (no more or no less...otherwise you with OCD will have to start over). ALWAYS REMEMBER - for optimum cleanliness, dispose of devices above. Under no circumstances should you store something that has been used in a toilet bowl.

If you have children (especially boys) this product will be your best friend until they move out (the 48oz bottle should last you for at LEAST 4 bathroom cleanings):

Make sure ANY surface that gets dribbled on is sprayed with this stuff. Trust me...you'll thank me for the tip. Let it sit for a few minutes, then wipe it up with your heavy duty paper towels.

By now, the product on your counter/sink area should be done "foaming". Grab your paper towel or sponge (disposable of course) and tackle the counter. Scrub it until you can no longer feel your forearms and biceps...by then, it should be clean. When it comes to the sink bowl area, make sure you use Steele Wool. You need to keep in mind that catophuls (our family's word for throat cookies) are often "harked" into that sink. You need to use something heavy duty when attacking the drain stopper...anything less, and your sink bowl area MAY still have throat cookie residue.

Now that the hard part is done, take your heavy duty paper towels and your bathroom disinfectant and start wiping down the entire bathroom. It doesn't matter if the paint starts to peel off the walls or the caulking comes off from around the sink....in your germaphobe mind, it's all well worth it.

I realize that this sounds like an AWFUL lot of work, but isn't it worth not having E.Coli, Streptococcal, Hepatitis A, B and C (possibly D, E and F, too), Fungi, and Mold around? YES...it is.

There ARE some options for those of you who don't have time to spend a full day disinfecting your bathroom. I'll give you the top three.

1. Self Cleaning Bathroom:

2. Self Cleaning Toilet/Urinal (forgive the mannequins demonstrating the products. Someone was overly ambitious when they made the mold for the dummies):

3. Male Maid (my personal favorite). He has the muscle for scrubbing and he looks cute in the outfit.

This concludes our lesson for the day. I hope my tips will help you achieve disinfected zen. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I WILL have an answer for you.