Hickeys

When I was a kid (I don't know about you all), I used to suck on my arms and give myself hickeys (before I KNEW what they were). I don't know if this is a genetic trait or just a kid thing, but Triscuit started doing this.

Two days ago, he walks past me and I see this thing on his upper arm.

Mum: "Hey, Triscuit. Come here."

Triscuit: "Yeah, Mom? Whassup?"

Mum: *Grabs his arm*..."What's this?"

Triscuit: "Oh...I sucked on my arm and this is what happened. Isn't it cool?"

Mum: "Do you know what we call that?"

Triscuit: "No...what?"

Mum: "We call those things Hickeys."

Triscuit: "Oh. Are they bad?"

Mum: "Well, that depends."

Triscuit: *Inquisitive look*

Mum: "Imagine yourself with a girlfriend...."

Triscuit: "MOOOOM! Ewww."

Mum: "No...bear with me. Imagine yourself in a few years having a girlfriend. Let's say you guys are kissing...."

Triscuit: "MOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!"

He tries to run away, but I grab him.

Mum: "I'm trying to be serious, Triscuit. You need to hear this."

Triscuit: *Turning red* "But, I don't wanna talk about this."

Mum: "You have to learn SOMETIME! OK...I'll skip the details. If I see one of these on your neck, we're going to have one SERIOUS talk, little man."

Triscuit: "Girls suck on your neck? GROSS!"

Mum: *Laughing* "You say that NOW! Just you wait."

This whole time, I didn't realize Toblerone was listening.

Toblerone: "If a giwl giveth you a hickey, we're going to 'retht (arrest) her and put her in jaiw."

Mum: "I don't know about jail, but you and the girl will be under watchful eyes for quite some time."

Toblerone: "That'th icky."

Mum: "Remember this conversation Toblerone, because your day is coming, too."

Toblerone: "Nuh uh. I don't like giwlth (girls)."

Mum: "But Mommy's a girl."

Toblerone: "Ewww."

Now, he's wiping off my kisses.

What am I doing about this, you ask? I make SURE my lips are EXTRA wet. The sloppier the kiss, the more it irritates him. HA! Don't you say "ewww" to ME anymore. I will make sure you know what "Ewww" REALLY means. Stinker.

Bathroom Cleaning 101

Good Afternoon, Ladies and Gentleman. My name is Mrs. Mum and I'll be your teacher today.

Just in case you forgot what you signed up for, this class will cover how to clean and disinfect your bathroom. The material I'm about to teach you comes from years of overcoming obstacles, persistance and hard work. I STRONGLY suggest you take notes.

When you first decide to either move in with a person (room mates, significant other) or get married, you must understand that they do not have the same outlook you do on how to keep a bathroom tidy. If you are anything like me, once you grasp that concept, you will have less anger and frustration. So, stop threatening them within an inch of their lives, and just chill out. Also remember, when you decide to add children to the mix, they are NOT born with your OCD tendencies. Do NOT expect them to understand your extremely uptight ways. If you must, place a pillow in a plastic bag (under the sink, of course) to muffle your screams after they're done using said bathroom. All you will do is scare the poor child and cause the need for years of therapy to come on faster than normal.

The pointers I'm going to give you will help with maintaining your OCD lifestyle. Without further adieu, I give you "Bathroom Cleaning 101", and yes, I am OCD/Germaphobe certified.

First and foremost, personal protection/safety is an absolute must. If you do NOT already own a Hazmat suit, I STRONGLY suggest you purchase one of these:

I'm sure you're thinking, "Aren't Hazmat Suits usually yellow?" The answer to that is, yes. HOWEVER, if you want full protection against toilet back splash, the difference between the yellow and the blue suits are quite substantial. The yellow hazmat suit won't protect you from the heavy chemical warfare you will have to wage on your bathroom. The blue one, however, will protect you from moderate liquid splash, acid handling, tank cleaning, agrochemicals and oil refining (those last two are perks in case you have an aversion to yard work or changing the oil in your car).

Next, grab these two chemicals...one for the toilet and one for the rest of the bathroom (faucet handles, sinks, drain stopper, counters, mirrors, light switches, doorknobs and anything else that can collect the microscopic spray given off by a toilet when you flush it). I do prefer Lysol products...but if you can obtain industrial strength, then by all means, go for it.

Thoroughly cover your bathroom counter, faucet handles, and sink bowl with the first product until all you see is a sea of white foam. Let it sit while you move on to the next phase...the toilet.

Grab the second product and COAT the toilet bowl with the cleaner...no white porcelain should be showing. If you miss a spot, you may as well clean that toilet bowl again. Make SURE you get the extra thick formula...the more it clings to the toilet bowl, the cleaner it becomes.

Now...locate the toilet scrubber:

or jack hammer (depending on the condition of your toilet bowl):

Grasp either device and scrub/jackhammer your heart out! If there is porcelain left after the scrubbing session, you aren't scrubbing hard enough. Flush at least 10 times (no more or no less...otherwise you with OCD will have to start over). ALWAYS REMEMBER - for optimum cleanliness, dispose of devices above. Under no circumstances should you store something that has been used in a toilet bowl.

If you have children (especially boys) this product will be your best friend until they move out (the 48oz bottle should last you for at LEAST 4 bathroom cleanings):

Make sure ANY surface that gets dribbled on is sprayed with this stuff. Trust me...you'll thank me for the tip. Let it sit for a few minutes, then wipe it up with your heavy duty paper towels.

By now, the product on your counter/sink area should be done "foaming". Grab your paper towel or sponge (disposable of course) and tackle the counter. Scrub it until you can no longer feel your forearms and biceps...by then, it should be clean. When it comes to the sink bowl area, make sure you use Steele Wool. You need to keep in mind that catophuls (our family's word for throat cookies) are often "harked" into that sink. You need to use something heavy duty when attacking the drain stopper...anything less, and your sink bowl area MAY still have throat cookie residue.

Now that the hard part is done, take your heavy duty paper towels and your bathroom disinfectant and start wiping down the entire bathroom. It doesn't matter if the paint starts to peel off the walls or the caulking comes off from around the sink....in your germaphobe mind, it's all well worth it.

I realize that this sounds like an AWFUL lot of work, but isn't it worth not having E.Coli, Streptococcal, Hepatitis A, B and C (possibly D, E and F, too), Fungi, and Mold around? YES...it is.

There ARE some options for those of you who don't have time to spend a full day disinfecting your bathroom. I'll give you the top three.

1. Self Cleaning Bathroom:

2. Self Cleaning Toilet/Urinal (forgive the mannequins demonstrating the products. Someone was overly ambitious when they made the mold for the dummies):

3. Male Maid (my personal favorite). He has the muscle for scrubbing and he looks cute in the outfit.

This concludes our lesson for the day. I hope my tips will help you achieve disinfected zen. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I WILL have an answer for you.

We Be...Clubbin'?

I'm going to go off of the usual subjects (Triscuit and Toblerone) and post about me. I know that most of my readers know me better than I know myself, so I thought I would invite you in on a very important evening in my life....the "Last Horrah", as I call it. And yes, I'm armed with my camera.

Imagine...it's my last weekend of freedom, before this middle aged Mum of Two decides to take a risk and improve her life and the life of her family. So, I gather my two main ladies...my sister "Nani" and my really good, awesome, supportive, funny friend "Witha" (as Toblerone calls her). The plan was to go to dinner, drink some wine and go to a local dance club called "Hurricane Bay" (not necessarily in that order).

Nani, Witha, and I hit Rubio's and indulge in a salad. I know...exciting, but I wasn't going to blow my recent 15 pound loss on food that was going to make me gain it back. Also, being on the Atkins diet for over a month will make you think twice about your food choices, and it isn't just for the weight gain reason. Look up "Carb Dumping". You tell me, would you indulge right before you go to a club? I didn't think so.

It didn't take as long to wolf down a salad as I thought it would, so we head over to "Total Wine" and grab a few bottles for later consumption. If you aren't a wine person and have never tried Muscato D'Asti, you must. It's a sweet (dessert) wine that will make you wonder what your hang up was about wine in the first place. Oh...and each of us gets carded. Do you have any idea how happy that made me?

We head back to Witha's house, drop off the bottles of wine (there were only 2...don't panic), where we find her oldest son playing video games. I call him Spence...and he's an absolutely wonderful and handsome boy who has brains to boot (and please don't take that as creepy...I say that in a motherly way, of course). Forget the baseball bat, Witha. You're going to need a shotgun.

LOL...well, I did catch him off guard. He's even cuter when he smiles.

Finally...the clock hits 7:30pm and time to hit "da club".

I haven't been to a club since my early 20's. Yes, I used to be on the dance floor with the rest of them, but ladies, you'll understand the next thing I'm about to say. Once you have children, it seems like all the coordination you had prior to having them seems to leave your body the moment you give birth. I never broke bones prior to children. After I had Triscuit, I broke two. I wasn't about to risk breaking a third by trying to dance. Besides, it's more fun to "people watch". I know things have changed, but I'm still thinking "Great. This is going to be your typical club. Skinny, YOUNG, beautiful girls flaunting their curves (or lack thereof, depending on the affordability of breast enhancement. Oh...sorry. Was that mean? I have yet to see a size 0-4 girl with God given endowment...seriously. I know...Meow), with big, buff, tan men pulling out all the stops to impress said girls. This should be fun." I walk in and see this (not this particular girl, but you know the type):

Peachy. But then, I look elsewhere...and what do I see? Holy crap! WOW!

It's not just the size differences that amazes me...it's the AGE differences, too. From young college attending girls, to middle aged moms (like me), to GRANDMA'S out there shakin' their groovy behinds. It was actually quite refreshing! There was one lady there that we dubbed "Heidi". Imagine THIS, only her hair was real, she wasn't wearing a plastic dress and she was about 45 years old.

When it came to the men that were there, it was pretty typical. Although, there were a few in there that looked like this:

Eww. When you see guys like this, their ego's usually enter a room before they do.

I'm thinking, "OK...this is your last night in a while to have a little R-N-R. Loosen up and have FUN, dang it!" The pretty, young waitress (in a child's dress), comes up to take our drink order. Because I'm driving, I order water. I took a picture to prove it:

No, they don't put lemon wedges in Vodka.

I start snapping photos of the Sister (on the left) and Witha (right).

As I'm snapping away, Witha says, "OK...YOUR TURN." Crap. I HATE having my picture taken...but, since I vowed to "loosen up and have fun", I hand her the camera.

Here's evidence that, yes...I DO know how to have fun.

Me on the left, the Sister on the right:

I was told to "pose". This is the best I could do.

And yes, just to show I'm a good sport, I'll post a silly one, too. I think we can blame our parents for the "crazy" gene. And Dad? I'm mainly talking to you, since the Sister is sporting a classic "Dad" look. As for MY look, I would have to say that's all Mom's fault.

So, ladies? I just wanted to say thank you SO much for such a wonderful time! You two are the best and I love you very much!