Crudeness with Elmo

Why is it part of human nature to find crude things funny? That's something I've wondered for a long time. Regardless of what the "scientific" answer may be, we all STILL laugh. The crudeness I'm talking about is farting, burping and things to do with the nether regions of ones' body. I'm JUST as guilty as the next person. I giggle like an adolescent boy when someone trouser coughs or lets a really good burp fly! What I DON'T understand is the fascination a boy has with crotchral area. I'm sure you are anxious to read what Triscuit has done now, so I won't keep you waiting any longer.

One evening, I was cleaning and preparing dinner, when I walk into the dining room to find this on the dining room table:
I thought, "Hmmm. Maybe Toblerone was playing around and didn't realize what he was doing." I wasn't going to think the worst. So, I separated the lightsaber and Elmo and put them in different areas. Meantime, Weenie comes home from work. As I'm bustling about getting food dished up on plates and placed on the table, I run into it again....Elmo with the lightsaber between his legs. THIS time, I question Triscuit.

Mum: "Triscuit? Did YOU do this?"

Triscuit: *Smirking* "Yes."

Mum: "Why?" (and TRUST me...I had to cover my mouth to hide my smile. Try sounding authoritative with a smile on your face! It's impossible!)

Triscuit: *Shrugs shoulders*.

By this time, the jig is up and Triscuit sees me trying to hide my smile...so he comes out with it.

Triscuit: "Because Elmo needed a thingy."

Mum: *Visibly and audibly LAUGHING my head off* "Honey...that's not nice."

I look over at Weenie and he's laughing, too. We make eye contact and it's over. We are laughing so hard we are crying.

Mum: *Still laughing hysterically* "Weenie, you need to talk to your son."

Weenie: *Throws his hands up in the air as to say, 'What am I supposed to do about it'?

Mum: "He's your son...!"

Weenie: *Trying to compose himself*.."Triscuit...that's rude and wrong. Don't EVER do that again. You wouldn't want Grandma and Grandpa to see you doing that, would you?" (Triscuit has a healthy fear of Weenie's Dad).

Triscuit: "No."

Mum: "What if PA (my Dad) were to see you doing that?"

Triscuit: "He'd laugh."

Uh...yeah. My mothering years are going to be FULL of laughter with THIS kid. Hey...at least I will have HAPPY wrinkle lines!

By the way, my Dad DID laugh!

Smack Talk and Cussing

Seven year old boys....need I say more? I'm sure you're thinking, "No...no need to say more". Well....too bad.

Smack Talk

Triscuit has become a smart alec...and it seems to have happened overnight. You cannot say ANYTHING to that child without him being sarcastic (yes...I know...he comes by it honestly) or argumentative. Here is an example of what goes on in my world.

Conversation One:

Mum: "Triscuit". *Pause for a few seconds* "Triscuit!" *Pause again for a few seconds* "TRISCUIT!"

Triscuit: "What Mama?"

Mum: "Answer me the FIRST time you hear me call your name!"

Triscuit: "Sorry."

Mum: "Honey...can you help pick up toys before Daddy comes home?"

Triscuit: "Why? It's not like I made the mess."

Mum: "EXCUSE ME???"

Triscuit: "Toblerone made the mess...why should I have to help clean it up?"

Mum: "Because I'm busy and I need you to be a big boy and help out."

Triscuit: *Mumbling under his breath* *Picking up toys and THROWING them in the toy basket*

Mum: "Son...you need to change your attitude."

Triscuit: "I don't have an attitude Mama."

Mum: "Uh...what do you call THROWING toys around and mumbling under your breath?"

Triscuit: "I call it, "Not Fair".

Mum: *TRYING MY HARDEST NOT TO LAUGH*. "Honey...life isn't fair sometimes (yeah...I pulled that one out of the "sound like your mother" file).

Triscuit: "Sorry Mama (not sounding the LEAST bit sorry)."


Conversation Two (he just pulled this one on me today):


Triscuit: "Mama...I lost the remote to my TV (before you guys yell at me for allowing him to watch too much TV or play video games too much, WE DO SET LIMITS. We have a timer going). Can you help me find it?"

Mum: "Honey...you need to learn to use your eyes and hands to FIND something. Look under your dresser, make your bed, look in your toy box. You have to pick things up and LOOK (another from the "sound like your mother" file)."

Triscuit: *After 5 minutes of looking*. "Mama..I can't find it."

Mum: "Mama can't come to your rescue every time you lose something. Please go look again."

Triscuit: "A parent should help a child find something. That's what a parent should do."

Mum: (Wondering WHERE he comes up with this stuff) "Triscuit. You lost it...now YOU find it."


Cussing


Weenie and I learned through our nephew, "B", that whatever you say around a child will be repeated to another adult SOMEWHERE down the line (that other adult usually is a grandparent). So, we have a "NO CUSSING" policy. Regardless, Triscuit has still picked up a few words down the line (probably from various TV programs).

Situation one:

One day, I was playing a game (yes...I like to play video games. Not often, but I do play). I missed something and had to start the level over. All the sudden I hear:

Triscuit: "DAMMIT!"

Mum: "What did you just say?"

Triscuit: "Dammit (said with a smirk)."

Mum: "WHY do you think you can say that word? Do you hear Mommy and Daddy talking like that?"

Triscuit: "No"

Mum: "Then why do you think YOU can talk like that?"

Triscuit: "It's not bad. It means darn it or shoot."

Mum: "What is the rule, Triscuit? NO CUSSING ALLOWED IN THIS HOUSE! If you do NOT hear Mommy and Daddy using the word then it's NOT an OK word!"

Triscuit:. "I'm sorry (again...said with a smirk)."

Mum: "Nope. This is the third time I've caught you using this word and OBVIOUSLY you haven't learned that it's bad...PLUS you said sorry with a smirk on your face. So...now you get soap."

Triscuit: "NOOOOOOO!!!! I DON'T WANT SOAP!"

Mum: "You need to learn that you can't talk like that. It's disrespectful and wrong."

Triscuit: "I PROMISE NOT TO DO IT AGAIN!!! PLEASE!!!! I DON'T WANT SOAP!!!!!"

He got soap...and grounded for the rest of the day.



Situation Two:

Triscuit and I were watching "Deadliest Catch" one day (if you've never seen it, it's a good show). One of the captains on the show has a saying..."It's like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest".

Triscuit: "Mama? What does ASS mean?"

Mum: "It's a derogatory word for butt."

Triscuit: "What does "derogertory" mean?"

Mum: "Ass isn't a nice word honey. It's another word for butt. I don't want to EVER hear you use it. You understand?"

Triscuit: "Yes Mama.

Mum: "So...WHAT word are you NEVER going to use?"

Triscuit: "THAT word."

Mum: "Good boy."


I know that his seven year old nature will give way to more maturity (and bigger issues than this), so that's why I CHOSE to find the "funny" in these types of situations. The older I get the more I realize that life is too short to be so serious about things!

Sickness

I haven't posted anything new lately because THIS MUM has been fighting a kidney infection. As soon as I feel better, the posts will be plentiful!

My apologies!!! :)

Part One: Toblerone's 2nd Birthday

Toblerone's birthday was June 21st. The "party" consisted of just family (he's only 2...we will throw bigger parties as he gets older). He received a few gift certificates, so after Triscuits party was over and done with, we went shopping. For those of you that know me...I HATE SHOPPING...but for my kids, I will do just about anything (within reason, of course) to make them happy. We hit almost every store you could imagine. Toys R Us, Target, Wal-Mart, KB Toys (KB was in the mall. NEVER GO TO THE MALL ON A HOLIDAY WEEKEND), TJ Maxx...the list goes on. We found 3 DVD's for Toblerone that I thought he would really enjoy:

These two aren't bad. At least they're educational:

Then there is THIS one:

When I picked this one up, I thought it would be a great way for him to learn about Dinosaurs. HOWEVER, in true Elmo form, it's annoying and a little bizarre. The fairy (the purple haired figure on the front) calls on the Dinosaur Fairy to turn them all into dinosaurs. I know, I know... It's not made for adults...it's made for children. I need to learn to be a little more tolerant. After all, children don't stay small forever, right?

While on our shopping excursion, we kept running into "Tickle me Elmo", "Tickle me Cookie Monster" and "Tickle me Ernie" (ERNIE? Creepy). We searched for an Elmo at a good price, but we couldn't find one. Weenie went to K Mart on Monday evening and actually found them marked down to $15. Being that it was SO cheap, Weenie brought it home after work and made a little boy ECSTATIC!

I'm sure you're thinking, "WHY get something so freakishly annoying that you have to listen to day in and day out?". Well, it goes back to making a little boy happy (plus, it has an on/off switch). I may dislike Elmo for obvious reasons, but Toblerone LOVES him. It would be selfish of me to ban him from something just because Mommy doesn't like it.

I WILL promise you this, though. As soon as Toblerone outgrows Elmo...Elmo will find himself a new home with Oscar the Grouch.

I will be posting pictures from HIS party, too...as soon as I confiscate the camera from Weenie.

Part One: Triscuit's 7th Birthday

Triscuits birthday theme for this year was "Ben 10". For those of you that don't know what the cartoon is about, it's about a little boy that gets a watch from his grandfather (the grandfathers voice is Lee Majors...for us "old folks", he was the "Six Billion Dollar Man"). The watch has alien technology. When Ben dials the watch to a specific alien and hits the watch, Ben will turn into that particular alien. Of course, he's a hero, so he uses his powers for good. It's a typical boy cartoon! Although the cartoon, in my opinion, is good...the aliens he turns into are rather strange. Triscuit asked for the Ben 10 action figures (boy dolls) and the Ben 10 watch. He was SO thrilled when he opened the watch! You notice how BIG this watch is compared to the kid wearing it? Imagine the wrist being 1/3 smaller. Triscuit runs around (all 52 pounds of him) acting all big and tough, dials the watch, hits it (and yes, the watch DOES make noise...goody) and calls out the alien that he wants to turn into. The LAST alien he "turned into" was Humongousaur. I'm glad this technology isn't real. Imagine coming around the corner into THIS:The picture doesn't do this thing justice. You can see THROUGH his chest and the insides look slimy! Eww. While Triscuit was running around, he heard "Spidermonkey" come from his watch. Weenie and I haven't seen a character named Spidermonkey, so we told him there was no such thing. When Triscuit hears something coming from someone (or something) and NOT from Mommy or Daddy, he automatically assumes that it HAS to be true (typical kid). It quickly became an argument. Triscuit has this "way" about him. He harps on stuff until he gets the other person to think HIS way (go back to the post "Triscuits Personality Test". You will understand what I'm talking about). ALL DAY LONG, it was, "Spidermonkey" this and "Spidermonkey" that. We told him to be quiet and STOP talking about it, but he just WOULDN'T!!! Finally, we had to take the watch away. Well, while looking around the internet this morning, guess what I find? You guessed it...SPIDERMONKEY!The cartoon has two parts to it...Ben 10 (which is him as a kid) and Ben 10 Alien Force (which is him as a teenager). The Alien Force one is fairly new, so Weenie and I haven't seen any episodes with Spidermonkey in them. I think we owe Triscuit an apology.

I have more to report on the birthday front. I wanted to post pictures I took during his party, but the camera they are on is AT WORK with Weenie. I will try and get them downloaded tonight.

MAUW!

Weenie and I LOVE cats and would LOVE to own one, but because I'm so allergic to them, we won't ever get that chance (unless I scrape up enough money to buy a hairless one). Triscuit has asked me almost everyday since he was 5, "Mommy, can we get a cat?" Regardless of HOW many times I explain to him that Mommy sneezes her head off, gets hives and can't breathe, he is still relentless about it. So, Weenie and I took them to Toys R Us and bought them their OWN cats. NO, NOT REAL ONES...stuffed ones. We spent about 20 minutes looking through the bin of stuffed animals until we found these two:
Toblerone's is the one on the left and Triscuit's is the one on the right. Triscuit is a true animal lover. He especially loves Lions and Tigers. He wants a tabby cat that looks like Tigger. Toblerone, on the other hand, is just OBSESSED with cats. Probably because of THIS:

(If you are wondering what this is from, go to YouTube and type in "Kitty Cat Dance" in the search box)

While we were in Toys R Us, Toblerone would give out an occasional shriek of excitement...but it wasn't until we were down the stuffed animal isle, that he began screaming, "MAUW! MAUW! MAAAAUUUUWWWW!" While we were trying to control his enthusiasm, the other customers were passing us by with very weird expressions on their faces. Imagine, if you will, these expressions being on HUMAN faces:

First, there is the "SURPRISED" look:

This one, I didn't mind so much, because his outburst WAS pretty loud.

Then there was THIS look:This look I got from OTHER parents who CLEARLY understood what it was like to have an excited toddler in the stuffed animal section.

THEN THERE WAS THIS LOOK:

When I got THIS look from the other parents, it made me pretty mad. My face may have shot the same look BACK in their direction, but my INSIDES were doing this:

Don't go into a TOYstore and expect it to be QUIET. Children are NOT angels and don't know how to control their emotions...especially a 2 year old! Dig the thorn of irritation out of your butt and RELAX!

This is what I've been seeing since he GOT the cat:

I would say the trip to Toys R Us was a success...wouldn't you???

Fur

I'm sure some of you are looking at the title and wondering, "What do you mean 'fur'?" Please make sure you aren't drinking anything. I don't want to hear, "I shot my drink out of my nose".

When I was talking to my Mom about the "Melmo and Lost Teefeses" posts, she reminded me of something Triscuit did last year on our trip to Nebraska. She asked me NOT to write about it, but it's just too funny NOT to share it with the rest of you. Sorry Mom...I have to!

While on our trip last year, we went to a mall after church. As every little kid does, he cries out, "DADDY! I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!" Mind you, we (well, Weenie) taught Triscuit how to pee SITTING DOWN (it saves you having to clean urine splatter off the surrounding walls and floors). Up to this point, Triscuit has NEVER peed standing up. They walk into the bathroom to discover all the stalls were being occupied. As Triscuit stood there dancing the pee-pee dance, the only option was the urinal. As Weenie was instructing Triscuit how to do it, I guess he thought, "I'll SHOW him". Apparently, Triscuit was REALLY concentrating on just WHAT to do. As they stood there taking care of business, Triscuit looked at Weenie and said, "Daddy? When will I have fur?" Weenie had a VERY hard time keeping a straight face. Weenie's response was, "You will have fur when you get older." Triscuit looked up at Weenie and said, "Mommy has fur too. I wasn't supposed to look, but I did...and I SAW it." After Weenie told me this, the thought in MY mind was, "When was Triscuit around to see that I had fur!?!?" I'm the type of mom that doesn't believe kids should see their parents naked. Not only is it subjecting them to wonder about things BEFORE it's time (although with boys, I often wonder if they ever STOP thinking about it), but I don't want to be the subject matter of a psychological visit later on in Triscuit's life. I can hear him now, "I can't get the image of my Mother out of my head!" Freud would have had a hay day with that one.

The innocence of childhood. Don't you wish they could STAY that way?